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Experts on emotional and social aspects of second & late marriages

Home alone? Having a partner can sometimes save your life.

In any age group, same-age interaction is very important. It's a social need. After 40, people are prone to age-related stress and at least one type of illness. Also, they are quite likely to have already experienced bereavement in one form or another, the death of a friend, child, or spouse, which strains emotional immunity. Then, there are the socioeconomic changes that come with age, especially after retirement. Not necessarily financial changes, but the role one plays in society.

Men who have just retired especially have a tough time dealing with it. It can lead to loneliness. Loneliness is the most common factor in geriatric societies and this can be cut drastically by having a partner who understands you.

Though it is not at all necessary for a couple to be in the same age group for the success of the marriage, a same-age partner allows for an almost instantaneous identification and empathy that might not be possible across generations. For example, a 40-plus couple's idea of spending the evening together would be very different from a 30-plus couple's.

If you are thinking of getting married, communicate with family members about it. Involve them in the process of looking for a partner and the marriage later. That is how acceptance begins. You did it when you were 18 and brought home your girlfriend. At 40, your children are your family. Their insecurity needs to be addressed. Give them space and time to cope. Most things can be solved through communication.

Pillow talk - Family matters

'Privatization' of marriage is breaking social taboos

Marriage, though between two people, is also a social act. We marry because we want someone to participate in our project of life. We need a partner to talk and share our experiences with. In later marriages, when both people already have previous families, matters get complicated. For widows, it is still more difficult. The children are usually against the idea and their own guilt wreaks havoc. However, the institution of marriage has changed lately. We are now seeing the privatization' of marriage where couples focus more on personal satisfaction. There is a decline of absolute values, like 'marriages should work forever'. This change is most obvious in the middle classes triggered by the education of women and growing number of nuclear families.

For those who are considering marriage, don't break too many taboos at one go. Ensure that your children don't feel threatened financially and talk to them frankly about inheritance and money. Consult a legal advisor, marriage counselor and friends, and then take your decision.

Another delicate area is introducing your spouse-to-be to your family. You might be introducing your children to someone who is taking the place of their father. It's a good idea to invite your partner to meet your family during festivals. Or throw a party. Socializing with the family is important, otherwise your partner and you might get marginalizes. But if the situation is such that you have to go against your family's wishes, do it. Eventually they will accept it.

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PRACTICAL MARRIAGES

But in reality, the heart usually takes the backseat in late marriages. All that the young don't understand, or don't say about marriage, surfaces and becomes the ground reality of such unions. "At this age, most people marry for extremely practical reasons". "Men want wives who cook well and keep the house clean and women want financial security." And those who have the money seek a companion who will kill the silence of a lonely house. "There is no such thing as blind love at 40". Perhaps it is true that the young marry for the same reasons as the old, but the young do not know the language to say it. The silvers do.

Experts are convinced that practical and realistic marriages are better than remaining single. At an age when the socioeconomic profile is changing, when earnings have vanished, it makes sense to pool resources with another person.

Samina, 40, and Habib 49, married in California in 2005. For both of them it has been a wonderful second marriage after the first didn't work out. "The quality of life improved for both of us because we have two incomes pooled into one establishment," says Samina.

Sometimes marriage not only adds quality to life but can save life itself. Samina's experience: "Socially, I did not go out very often as a single woman, especially in the evenings. I have more friends as a married woman. Companionship has opened. Up a whole new set of options because I feel more secure than I ever felt before."

There must be a reason why marriage is called an institution. Perhaps it is an emotional asylum.

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Older Singles' guide to marriage

You can call marriage bureaus and matrimonial web sites Cupid's assistants. The god of love will come, shoot and leave but giving advice and preparing two about-to-entangled hearts is not his job, thank you. His subordinates can do the the nitty-gritty’s. And if the hearts come with a lifetime of baggage: the burden of orthodox upbringing, relatives who might object to a new relationship, and the invariable susceptibility to fraud that comes with age, they need advice.

If you are over 40 and looking for a partner, here is some counsel from the marriage-makers:

Most marriage-makers say that class, and religion is totally disregarded by people looking for partners late in life. These can work as criteria only when you are in your 20s and have a large number of eligible people to choose from. Don't complicate your task with these biases.

If you have a sibling or a friend who wants you to get married, involve them in the process. They will keep your confidence up.

Don't have a time frame in mind. It will take time to find the right person at this age so be patient and try many avenues instead of only one.

Create a profile of the person you are seeking. You won't find a perfect, tailored-for-you partner at this age, but do have a minimum set of values you want in a partner. Look out for someone with a positive attitude.

Once you have found the right person, meet each other many times before finalizing the marriage. Use these meetings to put all your cards on the table and decide who's going to take how much responsibility.

Plan out every detail of your wedding and include rituals that you missed the first time. Involve your family. Make a ceremony out of it and enjoy it. On your honeymoon, go to place you always wanted to go. Life is giving you a second chance; make the most of it.

Be ready to make compromises. Compliment each other a lot. And it's a wise to make a pact about the past. Discuss whatever needs to be said about it before the marriage. Neither you nor your partner should be answerable to each other for what happened many years ago.

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