Advice Corner ...

Traditional Marriage Proposal Ideas
By Hillary Marshall, eHow Contributor

Regardless of whether you have previously discussed marriage with your girlfriend or the proposal is a complete surprise, getting engaged is a big deal. You might have a big plan for how you are going to pop the question, an idea that is specific to you as a couple. If you don't have a plan in mind for the proposal, however, or your intended is classic in her style and thinking, you might consider using a traditional method of proposing.

Romantic Dinner

Proposing over a romantic dinner is quite possibly the most common engagement scenario. Your choice of restaurant will help set the mood; additionally, since the location will be a part of your memory of the event, make it one you both enjoy. Choose a restaurant of significance to you as a couple, such as the place you had your first date, or your mutual favorite place to eat. When it comes time to pop the question, drop to one knee and present the ring and ask her to marry you. For a more creative spin, have the restaurant help by having a waiter deliver the ring on a covered tray or having it placed in her dessert.

At an Event

Proposing marriage when you are out at an event is good way to surprise your girlfriend. Chances are she won't suspect anything, especially if you visit one of your regular hangouts. Consider getting down on one knee at a concert or play, or putting your proposal in writing via a big screen at a sporting event.

In Nature

An outdoor setting can be a romantic place for a proposal. Consider proposing to your girlfriend over a picnic in the park or at the beach. If the two of you are active, consider proposing while you are hiking or taking a walk on the beach or in the woods. You might also consider proposing at night under the stars or while enjoying a horse-drawn carriage ride.

In Front of Family

If you are close with your families, include them in your proposal. For example, pop the question at a family affair, like a holiday dinner or barbecue. You could choose to tell the family ahead of time so that they are in on the surprise or you could surprise everyone. As the proposal, ask for her hand during a dinner toast, give her the ring as a gift she can open in front of her family or simply drop down onto one knee in front of everyone.

How to know when he’s for real
Since it bears repeating, let’s review a few of the traits that will tell you unequivocally that a guy is into you:

1. His actions match his words. He doesn’t just say he loves you or wants to be with you because he thinks that’s what you want to hear; it’s obvious by the way he behaves.
2. He introduces you to his friends and family within a reasonable amount of time. This indicates that he’s increasingly serious about making you part of his life.
3. His behavior is consistent. He isn’t into you one week and then distant the next. His affection for you is something you can rely on.
4. He tries to please you. Because he’s genuinely interested in you as well as your thoughts and feelings, he acts on that. He knows you love the color yellow, for example, so he shows up with a bouquet of yellow flowers.
5. You don’t feel like you’re doing all the work, and you never find yourself making excuses for him. As psychologist Geraldine Merola Barton puts it, “The truth is, we always find time for the things we value. If he’s into you, he’ll call, period… no matter what.”
   

5 reasons he or she didn’t call you

• Reason #1: You talk, but don’t listen
• Reason #2: You play too many games (read article below)
• Reason #3: You’re a little too evasive
• Reason #4: Your idea of chit-chat is not really opening up
• Reason #5: You’re not relating to someone — you’re testing them
  
  The answers to these questions are really important — they may well determine whether you choose to see each other again — but great dates do not occur on a hot seat or under a microscope. Try reading between the lines.
  

Playing too many games!!
By Isabella Gladd

Whether habit or as a means to an end, playing games seldom furthers a relationship. Playing head games often cause ill feelings once the person on the receiving end becomes aware. So, why do people play games and what are common games that people play? Finding out why people play games and the typical games that people play may help you curb an urge to use a covert mind technique on your partner or to determine when someone is engaging in game-playing behavior.

According to Dr. Eric Berne, the author of Games People Play, the basic reason for game playing in relationships is to acquire something desired. Wanting an emotional or a tangible reward presents a reason to use covert tactics. Some games have become such a part of the personality that the gamer hardly realizes she is involved in a game of psychological cat and mouse.

The Game Of Hard To Get
For thousands of years women have played the game of hard to get. Ms. A becomes attracted to Mr. B. They talk, flirt, exchange pertinent information, and he asks for her number. With rising stakes comes emotional collateral. She really wants him to call, yet she does not want to appear too eager. She dodges, he pursues, and she finally gives him her number.

Fast forward a few days and he calls and asks her for a date. She feigns being busy and does not answer the phone. She waits to see if he calls back. When he does, the ebb and flow of the conversation continues the game. Finally, she accepts his invitation for diner and a movie.

Why did Ms. A bother playing hard to get? She, like most women and men, enjoy the chase, but there is more to the game. When someone appears aloof, they become a challenge to the opposite sex creating a mystery that makes him or her more appealing. On the other hand, women often use hard to get to discover just how interested her pursuer is.

While the game may work to screen prospective suitors or as a way to discover the sincerity of the man, if it continues too long, the game playing technique fails. A woman who constantly sidesteps not allowing her pursuer to capture her in any way will lose his interest. He will move on.

The Flip Side of Mind Games
By no means is game playing engaged in only by females. Males do their share of messing with a woman’s mind. For example, a man meets a lovely woman at a party of a mutual friend. The two strike up a lively conversation and hit it off. He asks for her number, she gives it to him, and then goes home and waits. He refuses to call too soon and look too eager, so he waits at least three days before calling to invite her to dinner.

Games People Play
Everyone plays games, although many are ashamed to admit it. A couple that just met may play games in order to gauge each other’s level of interest. Early in the relationship, each person is attempting to read the other and decide if this is a real possibility. Being able to navigate the dating scene, marriage, and relationships requires savvy perception. Knowing when to stop playing games and move on is key. Games taken too far can have devastating consequences, often leading to break ups.

The man in your life does not need know to every detail about your life. Especially when first meeting someone, do not open the floodgates and reveal every good, bad, and mediocre experience you’ve ever had. Be selective about what you say, keeping intimate details of your life to yourself until the time is right.

Be able to recognize when you’re being played and why. If the game is a lack of communication, you and your partner might want to consider being more open. While some games are harmless games of perception others are serious. A woman who constantly plays the victim to gain sympathy from the man in her life may find that her little game backfires. Playing games can be good, but keep in mind that playing games with deception in mind will likely end in disaster.

6 habits that keep couples happy

How is it that some couples seem to stay starry-eyed for years, and others let their sizzle, um… fizzle? Well, it appears that successful chemistry sustainers develop healthy coupled-up habits which allow them to keep their love alive and kicking. “People can have a lot of trouble staying close,” says Joyce Catlett, coauthor of Fear of Intimacy. “They get into relationships and think they’re automatically going to know how to make everything work, but figuring out how to stay passionate together is really a skill.” Luckily, they’re skills that anyone can learn. Here are six habits that you’d do well to adopt if you want your date to become your happily-ever-after mate.

Habit #1: Catch romance where you can
“You may start out with chocolates and roses, but the likelihood of being able to sustain that feeling with a busy schedule is pretty unlikely,” says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a New York City-based psychotherapist. Successful couples learn to build a bubble of romance at unexpected times — during their daily commute, while doing laundry — and in low-impact ways, whether that be a smooch or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear yourself say “Oh, look, we’ve got 15 minutes to ourselves,” make use of it — that’s what keeps the spark alive.

Habit #2: Fight fair
Believe it or not, learning to fight right is an important part of keeping chemistry alive. Why? Because if you are constantly cutting each other down, it’s hard to feel mutually amorous. “There is no such thing as a relationship without disagreements,” says David Wygant, author of Always Talk to Strangers. “But if there is an understanding that your partner can come to you with any dissension without being attacked, you will have an honest relationship comprised of ‘open discussions’ rather than ‘fights.’” Debra Tobias, who has been happily married for almost 10 years to her husband Steve, agrees. “Steve and I have learned to listen to each other when we’re upset and we admit when we’re wrong,” says Tobias. “We also make a rule of never, ever saying ‘I told you so’ no matter how much we might want to say it.” The result is that their chemistry doesn’t wane because they never let their arguments escalate to a personal level. Focus on the issue at hand instead of throwing verbal punches.

Habit #3: Nurture your separate selves
Going off to your book club when your sweetie’s out golfing isn’t a sign you two are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. By taking little “couple breaks,” you gain a greater appreciation of the gifts your partner brings to your life and you have more to offer as well. “It’s very attractive to be independent sometimes,” says Magdoff. “You feel better about yourself and you’re less demanding of your partner when you’re together.” After all, taking some personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the other person of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also builds your bond.

Habit #4: Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences. Jo Smith and her husband of four years found this out when they committed to running their first 10K together. “We were training together, carbo-loading and hydrating together, running the race together and ultimately succeeding together when we both finished,” says Smith. “It brought a whole new level of closeness to our relationship because of the time we spent learning as a duo during this endeavor.” Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!

Habit #5: Don’t let your physical attraction for each other dwindle
No doubt about it, couples with healthy libidos have no problem keeping chemistry cooking. (That whole “couples’ desire for each other naturally fades over time” excuse? Not true.) The trick to injecting more electricity into a lagging love life has to do with trying new things — sure, it can be easy to work on tricks and techniques when you first meet, but people’s preferences can, and do, change over time. “In interviewing people on the topic of physical intimacy, it became clear that the couples who were the most satisfied were also the ones who were open to some experimentation,” says Catlett. This isn’t to say you suddenly have to become a wild thing, though. Even returning to the basics you may have abandoned along the way — lots of hugging and eye contact, for example — can make the usual encounter feel very different… and much more intimate.

Habit #6: Engage in some mutual admiration
In order for chemistry between two people to thrive, there needs to be mutual respect. “It’s about putting yourself in the role of an observer of your partner,” says Magdoff. “Watch them ‘perform’ — I’m not saying they need to do a song and dance for you — just pay attention to the everyday things that remind you why you find them so special.” Then, make it a point to lob compliments their way. “A good exercise is to occasionally create a mental list of the qualities you dig about your partner, and to occasionally share one of your thoughts with the one you love,” says Wygant. Because the reality is, you’ll always want to be around someone who thinks you’re fantastic.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based writer whose work has appeared in such publications as Cosmopolitan, Redbook, and Fitness.

Articles for singles over 35 and up years...

Experts on emotional and social aspects of second & late marriages.

Home alone? Having a partner can sometimes save your life.

In any age group, same-age interaction is very important. It's a social need. After 35 plus, people are prone to age-related stress and at least one type of illness. Then, there are the socioeconomic changes that come with age, especially after retirement. Not necessarily financial changes, but the role one plays in society.

Loneliness is the most common factor in geriatric societies and this can be cut drastically by having a partner who understands you.

Though it is not at all necessary for a couple to be in the same age group for the success of the marriage, a same-age partner allows for an almost instantaneous identification and empathy that might not be possible across generations. For example, a 35-plus couple's idea of spending the evening together would be very different from a 25-plus couple's.

If you are thinking of getting married, communicate with family members about it. Involve them in the process of looking for a partner and the marriage later. That is how acceptance begins. You did it when you were 18 and brought home your girlfriend. At 35-plus, your children are your family. Their insecurity needs to be addressed. Give them space and time to cope. Most things can be solved through communication.

Pillow talk - Family matters

'Privatization' of marriage is breaking social taboos

Marriage, though between two people, is also a social act. We marry because we want someone to participate in our project of life. We need a partner to talk and share our experiences with. In later marriages, when both people already have previous families, matters get complicated. For widows, it is still more difficult. The children are usually against the idea and their own guilt wreaks havoc. However, the institution of marriage has changed lately. We are now seeing the privatization' of marriage where couples focus more on personal satisfaction. There is a decline of absolute values, like 'marriages should work forever'. This change is most obvious in the middle classes triggered by the education of women and growing number of nuclear families.

For those who are considering marriage, don't break too many taboos at one go. Ensure that your children don't feel threatened financially and talk to them frankly about inheritance and money. Consult a legal advisor, marriage counselor and friends, and then take your decision.

Another delicate area is introducing your spouse-to-be to your family. You might be introducing your children to someone who is taking the place of their father. It's a good idea to invite your partner to meet your family during festivals. Or throw a party. Socializing with the family is important, otherwise your partner and you might get marginalizes. But if the situation is such that you have to go against your family's wishes, do it. Eventually they will accept it.

PRACTICAL MARRIAGES

But in reality, the heart usually takes the backseat in late marriages. All that the young don't understand, or don't say about marriage, surfaces and becomes the ground reality of such unions. "At this age, most people marry for extremely practical reasons". "Men want wives who cook well and keep the house clean and women want financial security." And those who have the money seek a companion who will kill the silence of a lonely house. "There is no such thing as blind love at 35 plus ". Perhaps it is true that the young marry for the same reasons as the old, but the young do not know the language to say it. The silvers do.

Experts are convinced that practical and realistic marriages are better than remaining single. At an age when the socioeconomic profile is changing, when earnings have vanished, it makes sense to pool resources with another person.

Samina, 35, and Habib 45, married in California in 2005. For both of them it has been a wonderful second marriage after the first didn't work out. "The quality of life improved for both of us because we have two incomes pooled into one establishment," says Samina.

Sometimes marriage not only adds quality to life but can save life itself. Samina's experience: "Socially, I did not go out very often as a single woman, especially in the evenings. I have more friends as a married woman. Companionship has opened. Up a whole new set of options because I feel more secure than I ever felt before."

There must be a reason why marriage is called an institution. Perhaps it is an emotional asylum.

Older Singles' guide to marriage

You can call marriage bureaus and matrimonial web sites Cupid's assistants. The god of love will come, shoot and leave but giving advice and preparing two about-to-entangled hearts is not his job, thank you. His subordinates can do the the nitty-gritty’s. And if the hearts come with a lifetime of baggage: the burden of orthodox upbringing, relatives who might object to a new relationship, and the invariable susceptibility to fraud that comes with age, they need advice.

If you are over 30 and looking for a partner, here is some counsel from the marriage-makers:

Most marriage-makers say that class, and religion is totally disregarded by people looking for partners late in life. These can work as criteria only when you are in your 20's and have a large number of eligible people to choose from. Don't complicate your task with these biases.

If you have a sibling or a friend who wants you to get married, involve them in the process. They will keep your confidence up.

Don't have a time frame in mind. It will take time to find the right person at this age so be patient and try many avenues instead of only one.

Create a profile of the person you are seeking. You won't find a perfect, tailored-for-you partner at this age, but do have a minimum set of values you want in a partner. Look out for someone with a positive attitude.

Once you have found the right person, meet each other many times before finalizing the marriage. Use these meetings to put all your cards on the table and decide who's going to take how much responsibility.

Plan out every detail of your wedding and include rituals that you missed the first time. Involve your family. Make a ceremony out of it and enjoy it. On your honeymoon, go to place you always wanted to go. Life is giving you a second chance; make the most of it.

Be ready to make compromises. Compliment each other a lot. And it's a wise to make a pact about the past. Discuss whatever needs to be said about it before the marriage. Neither you nor your partner should be answerable to each other for what happened many years ago.

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